Road Trip With the Muse

Loyal reader JK writes:

Hey man. School is out and I'm home for the summer. Nothing going on except my freelance column and the occasional trip to see the girl. Basically, this is prime time to write. But I can't get going on anything. It's not like I don't have the time. It's like I sit down, tell myself I should be writing, and then I don't. And then I end up writing other writers and asking inane questions such as: How do you stay productive, even when you're busy?Thoughts?

I am the wrong person to ask right now because with my new job, and having a recent bout of pnuemonia, I've been away from the keyboard quite a bit lately. I've been there. I will be again. It's cyclical. There will be times that sparks fly from your keyboard. There will be times you will be bone-dry and not able to write a grocery list. There are always going to be hills and valleys. The trick is to start changing the sine curve; making the hills last longer and the valleys be shallower and shorter.

Your greatest foe is yourself; that awful pull to just read comics or watch the Colts game or do anything else but write, because that voice inside of you will keep telling you that nobody will read it, nobody will care, so why waste your time. And even when you have some modest measure of success the voice never quiets, and I suspect that if I asked my heroes William Goldman and Michael Tolkin they would say the same.

When I'm really stuck I try to change up what I do; listen to music I don't listen to, watch foreign movies, seek out new writers, try new things; hoping to dislodge what's stuck and start working again, even with that voice talking in my ear.

I hope this helps.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

I Shut My Eyes, The World Falls Dead

I got the first issue of a new magazine called Digital Content Producer and was excited to see my old bunkmate from Microcinema Fest 2004 in Rapid City, Miguel Coyula, gracing the cover. He made what I think is the greatest microcinema movie to date, Red Cockroaches. My most vivid memory of him is trying to convince him that he would get killed if he got out of the jeep and fed a sandwich to a bison in the back country of Custer State Park. When he becomes even more famous, I hope he remembers that I saved his life, more or less.

I was thumbing through a book at the library called The Sleaze Merchants and, lo and behold, found a chapter on Brett Piper, whose Bigfoot costume I shemped briefly in the stunning denouement of AMONG US, the Bigfoot epic I penned for the Polonia Brothers currently airing on the Space Network in beloved Canada.

If I find myself one day in either of these publications, I will know I have truly made it.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Sex Machine in the Windy City

SEX MACHINE is scheduled to close out--before it closes down--Microcinema Fest 2006 in Palatine, Illinois. See the full story here--and join me in the Windy City for the showing!

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

More Feed Your Head

My recent BOOK BEAT column for Pomp and Circumstantial Evidence, the magazine of the Magna Cum Murder Mystery Conference:

SLIPPING INTO DARKNESS by Peter Blauner
Crackling police yarn features an aging cop who may or may not have made a critical error on a pre-DNA-era murder case, now trying to make it right when the alleged murderer gets released on a technicality. A fresh killing, in the style of the previous murder, complicates matters further. Street-smart storytelling and an engaging plot keeps the storytelling galloping along, holding together from opening page to endflap.

DRAMA CITY by George Pelecanos
Hard-nosed prose highlights this gray-shaded tale of a recently released prisoner, and a troubled parole officer, both trying to stay on the right side of the fence in the face of brutal urban warfare in the streets of Washington, D.C. At the apex of the triangle is a pair of rival drug-dealers whose turf war spills into both the leader characters’ lives. Pelecanos has a teeth-clenching, staccato style, but well-drawn characters give his writing a pleasing fullness.

PRIVILEGED CONVERSATION by Evan Hunter
Evan Hunter is perhaps better known by his psuedonym Ed McBain, the author of the 87th Precinct novels, a long-running series of well-received police procedurals with a large ensemble cast. Hunter typically reserves his given name for more serious works, including this interesting erotically-charged thriller. A New York psychiatrist intervenes in a mugging and ends up caught up in a all-consuming affair with a dancer. The introduction of a stalker increases the stakes, and although the ultimate payout is a bit disappointing the novel remains an interesting character study.

GUN, WITH OCCASIONAL MUSIC by Jonathan Lethem
Genuinely offbeat near-future noir has our tarnished hero, holding onto his ideals in a world rampant with genetically-altered animals and the insidious effects of a state-sponsored drug called Make, trying to solve a brutal murder and keep one step ahead of crooked cops trying to put him into cryogenic sleep. A sardonic mix of THE MALTESE FALCON and BLADE RUNNER with a good grasp of both genres.

I Am Not Alan Wyoming

I used to think Starlog and Fangoria were pretty cool; then I found Film Threat. Now they are even more cool because they reviewed SEX MACHINE right here.

I guess I pretty much missed the 14 Day Screenwriting Challenge while I was sick, but that's okay, as I've done the 21 Day Screenwriting Challenge a few times--it's called my career.

I noted I was misidentified as the writer of a couple of Polonia Brothers movies in some online commentary. Though I am always willing to take the blame and/or the credit where it is due I have a vow not to use a psuedonym (except during my porn star career). And I have stood by that vow so far. My only other screenwriting advice: don't do anything you're not proud of when it leaves your keyboard.

Give me a shout at johoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Mailbag Redux

A Polonia Brothers fan writes in:

Hi John, I origionally was a fan of the film Blood Lake. Then I found this film called Canibal Campout with Jon McBride. I also have Woodechipper Massacre.

--Those are Jon's first two movies, done back in the 80s at the dawn of the home video era. I believe they were both shot on plain old SVHS. CANNIBAL is particularly disturbing. A lot of weird stuff went on when they shot it and one or more of the people have died since. WOODCHIPPER was intended to be a comedy and Jon has wanted to do a musical version of it in recent years. A few people in that went on to have careers in the business.

I really enjoyed the films and started doing research online.. this is where I found out about Polonia brothers. The 2 were somehow linked.

--True, SPLATTER FARM was a very notorious movie the Bros shot on SVHS when they were both still in high school. Jon heard about them and contacted them through their distributor (they had the same one at the time). The first one they did together was FEEDERS, which became one if the first SOV (shot on video) movies accepted by the Blockbuster chain. And they soldier on from there.

Yes My husband and really enjoyed Peter Rottentail and we tell all of our friends about it. I also enjoyed RazorTeeth. Splatter Farm is great, pretty twisted but I understand it now.

--Good then explain it to me!

I recently received Feeders 1 and 2 in the mail. I get them off ebay.

--Classics of their time!

Yes, i want to get Among Us.

--Thanks, I am very proud of that one. I had sold a few scripts to other producers up to that point but it was the first one that actually got made into a movie. I was kind of in a downturn right then and thinking about just quitting and reading comics with my spare time. I had a long heart to heart with Jon McBride around then. The Brothers had wanted to hire me to do a Bigfoot movie and Jon was trying to talk me out of it. After I spoke with him I decided just to write a comedic sendup of the entire b-movie industry. When I sent it to the Bros I assumed my career was over. But they liked it and saw a lot of their struggles in there. It has actually picked up a cult following and recently played on the Canadian Sci-Fi Channel, called Space. I actually flew out to Pennsylvania to help with the shoot and ended up playing the Bigfoot that attacks the van at the end. It probably turned out the closest to my original vision. And Jon McBride is great in it.

Do you or did you ever watch Mystery Science Theater 3000? That is great too!

--Hmm, are you saying there is a connection?

I will tell my sister and her boyfriend about you because they enjoy Polonia Brothers too…Peter Rotten Tail was so funny, I couldn't stop laughing at all. If fact my husband and I had to rewatch most of the movie because we were laughing and missed parts. Thanks for the website!

--We live to serve.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

The Dawg Pound

THE DA VINCI CURSE at Cannes? Strange but true!

The Horror Channel shows no love for THE DA VINCI CURSE, though they haven't seen it yet.

More playa hatas at the Fishcom Collective (?) review RAZORTEETH.

Now here's a brotha knows what's up: Cult of the Video Monkey at Chaotic Chronicles dishes on THE DA VINCI CURSE and even manages a shout-out to AMONG US. But where did this dude get his bootleg BLACK MASS from?

SEX MACHINE on the IMDB! You know what they say, you're not real until you're on IMDB.

Holla back at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Dead Center!

Cool poster, poached from Christopher Sharpe, for the Dead Center Film Festival premiere of SEX MACHINE in Oklahoma City. If you are out OKC way, check it out.

From My Deathbed

I am rising from my sickbed to answer this email, from a distraught filmmaker:

John:
I received a very negative review...Given this review, I am wondering if possibly you shared the same view of (it) being both "unbearable" and "laughable". I would actually feel better if you tell me that is the case, because I need to know if my skill level is so bad, I need to never do another production, because I just don't get it. Perhaps, you were just being kind to a newbie on his first review. You were balanced and fair, and I appreciate that more than you know. If I SUCK, tell me..I would appreciate..because it's obvious, others think so. I need to learn to STOP doing whatever terrible technique I'm doing. You might be interested in knowing that based on your review, I went out and bought a new 3CCD Panasonic camera...and it is quite an improvement. Please, lay it out for me, will you.


I think some of your stuff is a bit rough but you are on the right track. All you can do is keep on learning and improving and honing your craft. I have learned to have a tough skin. Some of the reviews of the direct-to-DVD features I have worked on have advocated my death and so on. I would throw myself off a building if I thought it held any sway over me. Note that having something that exists at all to be rented or purchased or screened is farther down the path than most people get.

I hope this helps.

John

Feel free to email me at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com or check out my reviews at www.microcinemascene.com.

St. Elsewhere

Where have I been? Knocked out flat with double pneumonia. I'll be back later.

Until then, give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

My Homies

My pal Brice Kennedy, lately of BLACK MASS/THE DA VINCI CURSE fame, writes about his adventures on a Hollywood movie set here.

Some might remember that the Saturday Night Live skit "Lazy Sunday" spawned the "Lazy Muncie" 'net phenom, a midwest rap response straight outta my hometown; but now two more Muncie dudes, stationed in Iraq, bring out "Lazy Ramadi." Keep your heads down, Munsonians!

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

At The Keyboard

Somebody wants to run a 14 Day Screenplay Contest, similiar to the 48 Hour Film Project or 24 Hour Comic Day or National Novel Writing Month or what have you. Hmmmm. I think I wrote BLACK MASS/THE DA VINCI CURSE in 21 days. I rewrote PETER ROTTENTAIL in about three days. Could I do something in 14? I would only have to speed up by one third. I shudder to think.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Happy Mother's Day!

I'm flat on my back sick for Mother's Day, giving my wife one of her worst special days ever. But here are five songs that remind me of her, in honor of the day:

Day After Day, Badfinger

Summer Rain, Johnny Rivers

Boys of Summer, Don Henley

Mull of Kintyre, Wings

You've Got A Friend, James Taylor

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

The Return of the Outcast Swords

My brother reminded me that I had promised to spend a percentage of my earnings from each check I get from freelance writing on something entirely worthless and fun. Though the casual reader might assume that I get paid in vast drifting dunes of cocaine I actually sometimes get checks, and got one the other day for a project from last year. So I bought this, which I had been eyeing for some time. Don't know if and when I'll ever get to play it, but am interested in reading it.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Sex Machine Keep On Turnin'

When I first started getting into the microcinema world Allen Richards' b-independent.com was THE place to go. Now he reviews SEX MACHINE here.

"Monsters at Play" romps a bit over SEX MACHINE here.

Both links courtesy of my pal Christopher Sharpe's updates here.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Gimme Five

Now that stings a bit! Ken VanSant gets a love tap from a demon-possessed priest in an FX shot from THE DA VINCI CURSE, formerly known as BLACK MASS.

Googled

I try to google my own name every few weeks or so. Sound vain or crazy? That's how I find stuff like this, and would never know about prose like the following:

"Razorteeth" is a very bad movie. And yet…I just couldn't take my eyes off it.

And this text from a blog called, simply and with little pretense, the Dalton Blog:

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Sort of like if Virginia Wolfe and Tom Pynchon had a kid who wrote a blog.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

From the Mailbag

The best letter of 2006 to date, from a loyal reader...

Hey, John! While I was doing some sort of drudgery at work, I came up with a great idea. My idea involves you writing and directing the low budget movie of your dreams and somehow you cast me in a role and the film becomes a big smash! Critics and the public embrace it and you are the newest form of hottness! Soon you make more movies while my role generates some mild, cult-like buzz that gets me cast in other independent movies. Soon I'm asked to do some voiceover work for a pilot on Adult Swim. The pilot doesn't get picked up, but one of the suits likes my stuff and I do guest shots on other shows. Soon I land the fourth banana part on a substandard sitcom (ala According to Jim or Yes, Dear) that nobody really watches, but it surprisingly lasts four years. Of course, I invest my sitcom money wisely and I'm rich! Not Bill Gates rich, but Estelle Getty rich! And when people ask who do I owe it all to, I would choke up a bit and say "John Oak Dalton!". Then I had to go to lunch.

Give me a yell at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

50 Cent Reading List

The other day I mentioned small pleasures in life. Today our local library was having a book sale. Scrounging all the coins in my car seats and my desk at work I had five dollars even. And here is what I found for that:

John O'Hara, Appointment in Samarra

Irish Murdoch, A Severed Head

Carson McCullers, The Member of the Wedding

Raymond Carver, Short Cuts

Joseph Gangemi, Inamorata

Umberto Eco, Baudolino

Richard Russo, Empire Falls

Walker Percy, The Second Coming

Willa Cather, My Mortal Enemy

Flannery O'Connor, The Complete Stories

It is a cold and rainy spring night, but I can see warm summer nights of reading ahead. Some days that is enough.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Bigfoot Sightings

I know this goes against my loyal readers' view of me as a rugged Hemingwayesque scriptwriter, but sometimes when my wife is out of town I have trouble sleeping at night. As it was Saturday night at 1 a.m., and I was surfing the channels. There was some sort of paintball competition and a minor league arena football game out of Fort Wayne and a great wave of informercials.

Then I came across the opening minutes of a bigfoot movie on Sci-Fi Channel with Lance Hendrickson. I settled down to analyze it next to my own bigfoot movie, which has a special place in my heart because although it was not my first sale it was the first to the shelf. I rather dispassionately tried to analyze this new bigfoot movie's rickety plug-and-play construction and mapped out the beats.

I am allowed to do this while I am alone, but not in the company of my family, who get angry when I set the entire course of events in front of them and, like a b-movie Nostradamus, they come true one by one. Most recently my teenaged daughter flew into a rage when I singled out the killer in "Cry Wolf" in the very first shot she appeared in in the movie.

At any rate, I watched it unfold until "Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex" came on, which I enjoy but I promptly fell asleep watching. I think my mind was at ease, because I could tell myself that my bigfoot movie was better, with or without Lance Henrickson. The world is full of small consolations. My bigfoot movie was better, so I slept like a lamb.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

The Roof is on Fire

I've always thought Micro-Film Magazine was pretty cool. Now I think it's even cooler.

Now, from the mailbag, and frequent reader Jason:

Do people make any money with these movies? Or are they about in the same boat as microcinema film makers, as in they do it more as a hobby and hope to either break even or just have people watch their stuff?I guess I need to become more involved in the scene, because at this point I am interested as hell in finding out how the biz works, but have no idea who to talk to. There are very few people that I know that ‘work’ it like a business. Most of them just have it as a very expensive and oft stressful hobby.

Jason, there are a lot of ways to approach this question. Of course people would like to make money. Cash money is good, though a good sandwich and some bikini photos of a b-movie starlet or two ain't bad either. Sometimes trade-outs can work to your advantage, trading your services in exchange for "future considerations" (as they say in baseball) on a project you might want to do; then everybody benefits from getting experience and gets projects out there.

There are enough distribution horror stories told by directors and director horror stories told by writers and writer horror stories told by everybody else to indicate that it can be hard for everybody to get a nice slice of the pie, if indeed there is ever any pie to slice up. When you look at how many failed projects are out there I think you have to acknowledge that regardless of how much money you made at some point it is important to have something that exists, and to perhaps use it to leverage into something else that you can do better with.

I believe that in the last five years I have worked on about a dozen screenplays that were in various stages of development and production, in Variety and the Hollywood Reporter and on and on, and today five of them exist where you can actually see them; and most would recognize that that's a pretty good batting percentage.

I have a day job, so I can't speak to how to make it a fulltime job exactly, and it seems like a lot of people I know doing it have other jobs on the side, writers who either own property or teach and directors who do corporate work and actors who work at Old Navy and so on. You do have to treat it like a business and not a hobby as hobbyists do not move forward in the business, professionals do. And no matter how big or small your project you should conduct yourself as a professional; there is no such thing as "just" a little b-movie or a "quickie" movie. Everything takes time and effort and work, even "quickies," and if you are going to be involved in them you should try to do the best you can and make them worth your time. If you try to phone it in, fans will smell it. I think it helps if you promise yourself that you will always do work that you're proud of; no matter how the final project turns out.

I wish you luck! If it's your dream, as it has been mine, all you can do is keep moving forward and hoping for the best, and waiting for that lightning strike.

The mailbox remains open at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

The O Face

The "Arrow in the Head" website reviews Christopher Sharpe's SEX MACHINE here, and draws comparisons to oral sex. Even I didn't enjoy the movie that much, guys. Thanks to my pal Trent at the comic book shop who first tipped me off to this link.

Two students with not a lot of good ideas for interview topics asked to videotape me for a class project. One of the first things they asked me was what some of my favorite bad movies were. Bad movies? Is that what Scorsese and Spielberg and all those guys get asked right off the jump? I wonder. So I told them the truth--"Triumph of the Will" is the worst movie ever made, as it shows how powerful the medium is as an instrument of evil. I think they wanted to hear "Plan 9." Oh well, there are no such things as easy A's with me.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

What's The Buzz?

We had our usual Easter tradition of watching "Jesus Christ Superstar" during the season and more and more I realize what a cool movie it is. There is no greater avatar of 70s badass cinema than seeing Carl Anderson's Judas coming down on that crane in his white jumpsuit with the fringe sleeves. Even though he runs kinda funny, I think he would still put a beat-down on Samuel Jackson's Julius from "Pulp Fiction." Though Julius would be like, "Thirty pieces of silver? I don't even roll out for less than fifty."

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Mo' Reviews

Reviews are coming in for SEX MACHINE; here are some links, courtesy Christopher Sharpe:

Creature Corner seemed to like it.

The review at Mondo Schlocko included what will probably be my epitaph: Dalton is better known whether good or bad to many as being a screenwriter for the Polonia Brothers.

And SEX MACHINE will be making its festival debut at the DeadCenter Film Festival in Oklahoma in June.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

DST Plus One

Today I surfed the a.m. radio in the car on the way home to catch baseball's opening day. Bush threw out the first pitch at the Reds game but didn't hit any WMDs. Nonetheless the Cubs dropped a bomb on the Reds as expected. I welcome baseball season because I've always enjoyed writing while having a baseball game on the TV or radio (and players names end up creeping into my scripts, like Galaragga and Sheets and Klesko and so on). There's something peaceful about the rythyms of baseball that eases my mind for writing.

I had taped the first few episodes of the Doctor Who relaunch currently playing on Sci Fi, and finally caught up with them, and now have this to report: it is fun and cool, almost a distillation of everything that was ever good in it, perhaps strangely enough as good as you remember it being before you watch them again and realize that spaceship was really a soap dispenser on a piece of string. No wonder it's been a big hit in England all over again. Definitely worth looking for.

Overheard at a diner on Saturday: "How can somebody tell us it's three o'clock when we all know it's two o'clock?"

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.