I'm On A Wavelength Far From Home

This post first appeared in my newsletter I WAS BIGFOOT'S SHEMP.

Easter has come and gone, always a busy season for me.  It's when I get on social media and interact with all of the people watching PETER ROTTENTAIL.  For something I wrote back in the early 2000s, it has just hung around and hung around.  It's fun to see.

It doesn't hurt that now you can watch it for free on Tubi.

If you want to add more spirituality to your Easter viewing next year, another movie I wrote, NOAH'S SHARK, is free on Tubi now too.

Man, Tubi, I tell you what.  Not that long ago I didn't know what it was, and now almost my entire career is on there (including what I thought was a lost movie I didn't get a credit for writing!).  A lot of people are saying it's now the go-to place to see independent movies and it's hard to argue the point.  What I like to do is type a word into the search engine, like "Amityville" or "Zombie" or "Ninja" or "Scarecrow" or "Massacre" and just click through a bunch of stuff and get the ebb and flow of it.  It's a fun exercise to sort of get the juices flowing.

We are all trying to figure out how to get the machine running again in the movie world, even way out in the hinterland where I am.  I am still quietly writing away, and maybe yet this year some of the fruits of that b-flavored labor will be out in the world.

I'm even falling behind on my annual goal of reading 50 books a year, but one I've read this season-- THE HEAP by Sean Adams--is a book I can recommend to people who like my stuff.

Hopefully will have some news to report soon, but until then, best to you all and thanks for sticking with me.

Talking in Our Bed for a Week

This post first appeared in my e-newsletter I WAS BIGFOOT'S SHEMP.

I was as surprised as anyone when my new film SCARECROW COUNTY hung on for four straight weeks in the Amazon Hot New Releases in Horror.  Thanks to everyone who picked up a copy or has seen it on some other platform.

And I was extremely flattered by this interview and review of a film I wrote, SHARK ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, by the British website The Schlock Pit.  I am appreciative that the people there give thoughtful attention to the b-movie world, and are good writers to boot.

They used just a few snippets of an interview about the writing of SHARK ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, so I thought I'd share the whole of what I wrote back when they asked a few questions via email, probably more than they wanted to know.

Mark had asked me to write all the scripts for a three-movie deal with Wild Eye that all already came with titles and basic descriptions; the caveat being is that he needed all three in six weeks. I'm to the point in my career where if I write something for somebody, there has to be a reason; and I have always been interested in director Thomas Carr, who once shot 6 b-westerns in 30 days (I wrote about it here), which I think not enough has been made of. So I thought this might be a neat challenge.

I had NEVER written this fast in my life; typically I can write a full script in three weeks, if I'm pushing it. I think I worked on these an average of 10 days each. They were written at a fever pitch and honestly I didn't remember a lot of detail until I saw the final product, and even then wasn't sure what I thought up and what Mark added.

Rewind to when I wrote my first movie for Mark, AMONG US, and he had a three-picture deal afterwards and asked me to write all three in a year, and I wasn't sure I could write three movies in one year! In that case I rewrote two and then wrote a third from scratch.

The first was PSYCHO CLOWN, which was turned into PETER ROTTENTAIL. I took John Polonia's handwritten script and rewrote it as I was typing it into a screenwriting program. Next I did a rewrite of RAZORTEETH, then my original script was DEMONS ON A DEAD END STREET which remains one of my favorite scripts but didn't get made.

PETER ROTTENTAIL has been rated one of the worst horror films of all time by Nerdly, and Fangoria did a whole podcast dedicated to it; as well as all the people who watch it on Easter every year. RAZORTEETH disappeared almost without notice; and frankly, which is worse? To me, at least, it's the latter.

So for this new trilogy of scripts: AMITYVILLE ISLAND was the easiest of the three for Wild Eye; I had written a movie for Mark a few years before called DOCTOR ZOMBIE that had not been made, but I noticed had a lot of similar beats as the Amityville premise. It was heavily influenced by Mark's love for ZOMBI 2 and TOMB OF THE BLIND DEAD with my own interest in LUST FOR FREEDOM thrown in. So I knocked that together quickly and it has been noted by reviewers that it has a little of everything, and all of it crazy, as I intended. I wrote another one whose title I will hold back as it hasn't come out yet, but it was full of time travel and dinosaurs and alternate timelines and I had a blast with it. My favorite script of the three. I hope it streets yet this year.

ALIENS VS SHARKS (the original title) was the hardest to get my mind around for some reason so I saved this to write last. But once I got going it started cooking, and again I don't exactly remember writing it. In fact I went back and read the outline before responding to this email. It came with a four-page outline with a lot of the beats, mostly the effects that were going to be made or on hand, and a little bit of story. I made the Jenni Russo character a therapist when she was a photographer in the original, because I wanted to include an alien abduction storyline; I think the other characters were pretty much as presented in the outline. I thought the treasure hunters were a neat touch in the original. I thought the movie was very ambitious, but especially the third act, which I thought was going to be too much to get on screen in a workable way, so I toned it down quite a bit. My ending, which featured a group of teens on the beach Frankie Avalon-style inadvertently re-starting the whole mess, was not used, and I think the whole part with Dave Fife was created so that Mark could work with Dave before he moved. I think I had somebody quoting a lot of Shakespeare which was cut out, understandably enough. Otherwise, by and large what I wrote is up there, for better or worse.

It's funny now, but I can see the seeds of my own later movie, THE GIRL IN THE CRAWLSPACE, in this script, including the therapist and the character obsessed with westerns. I always try to hang my stories on things I was interested in, and one in this case is a lawman who is basically on his last day on the job and isn't going to be a lawman any more, and what that means. Honestly, I had also buried a family cat in my back pasture and thought it might be a good set piece for a movie, and that's in there, too. Just all the flotsam and jetsam you pick up through life, interest in culture, interest in other people. Whether people see it or not, I try to put in elements that might resonate with someone besides aliens shooting rayguns or whatever. I think Jennie Russo and Titus Himmelberger are both enjoyable in this. I thought Titus gave his lines an especially eccentric read and it turned out like I hoped. Jeff Kirkendall is good as always. I try to write for the people I know Mark is going to use, but sometimes he changes it up or introduces somebody new, so it's always a nice surprise.

I think when you have a movie titled ALIENS VS SHARKS you are either in or out when you hear the title, and the rest doesn't matter. You are going in it to have a good time. So for this kind of movie, or all three of these movies, I like to try to make them funny, with a lot of nods to horror fandom, lots of energy and outlandish situations and characters. I'm not sure every viewer is in on the joke, but that's what I hope. I think the biggest thing to note is that I have never been involved with a movie that comes from cynicism; these kinds of movies are made by people that love the genre for people that love the genre. Horror fans, by and large, are the most loyal and devoted and will follow you where you want to go, whether you have the money to make the trip or not.

I badly want to see THE SUICIDE SQUAD for my upcoming birthday but I think I'm not going back to the movies quite yet.  I will, however, watch the Mooreland Fair Parade, which leaves tomorrow from my large side yard (as agreed to when we bought this place) and shoots straight down the road a mile to the fairgrounds.  It's always fun to tailgate with the grandkids and check out the fire trucks, floats, and horses from up close.

It seems like we took one step forward and two steps back; hope all is well with you and yours, and thanks for reading.

Lightning and Thunder

This post first appeared earlier in I WAS BIGFOOT'S SHEMP, an e-newsletter you can subscribe to in the sidebar of this blog.

People always ask me if I watch the Oscars.  I never have.  My interests are so far removed movie-wise it might as well be a whole different industry.  My heart has always been with the DIY, be it movies or zines or comix or bands.  I used to say if I watched the Oscars I would feel like a homeless guy looking at Trump Tower, but now Trump Tower isn't a funny thing to talk about any more.

I started on a new project--actually a rewrite of an old favorite.  I have two or three I really wish would get made some day, and this one is probably at the top of the list.

Back when the first screenplay I sold (that got turned into a movie), AMONG US, was being shot, the director was offered a three-movie deal.  That director, Mark Polonia, asked if I would write all three.  At that time, way back in the early 2000s, I didn't think I could write three movies in a year, so I offered to do rewrites over two existing scripts and write one new one from scratch.

Funny to think I just wrote three movies from page one for Mark Polonia, on another three movie deal, in six weeks.

Anyway, one was a rewrite of a John Polonia script called PSYCHO CLOWN that became PETER ROTTENTAIL, which Nerdly has rated one of the Top Ten Worst Horror Films of All Time and Fangoria devoted an hour-long podcast to, and the next was a rewrite of (I think) Mark's script RAZORTEETH, but the deal fizzled out by the fourth one, which was called DEMONS ON A DEAD END STREET, and was kind of a Gremlins-type film.

I liked it so much that a few years later, when I was working up a project with a New Zealand director on the exact opposite side of the world from me, I did a rewrite of it, making it more of a straight supernatural film called URAMESHIYA (GHOST SCREAM) because I was on a bit of a Japanese horror kick at the time.  Unfortunately the pieces didn't come together again and I stuck it in my back pocket.

Recently I went a year without a writing deal, or more accurately a deal I wanted, and I have promised myself not to wait around any more for stuff to happen.  So I wrote a project just for myself this fall, and am digging this one out to rewrite once more.

And it needs it--it has videoconferencing instead of Skype, no mention of social media, and more--and maybe a fresh coat of paint will give it a third life.  This time I want to call it WOKE UP BLEEDING.

And if nothing is brewing when I get done with this one, I have one more--kind of a nerd Terminator I wrote in longhand, a long time ago, in a huge burst after waking up with a migraine--that could use a freshening up that I have never given it.  It is really only one of about three or four spec scripts I have ever written.  Everything else I have been hired for, and sometimes the poster and title were already there.

I have nothing to complain about.  I finally sat down and penciled out an accurate count, because I've lost track, and since 1999 I have sold 38 screenplays, 12 of which turned into actual movies with the 13th one in post-production right now.  That means about one third of the movies I have sold turned into actual movies, which is a good batting average in the business, I think.  And if I'm not forgetting anyone, that is spread among nine different directors.

So I am going to spend some winter nights and early mornings like this one working on WOKE UP BLEEDING and see if I still like it as much as I remember.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Mott the Hoople and the Game of Life

Sometimes work leads to more work, which is why I haven't boomed out a secret e-newsletter for a little while.  I have been getting up early, working through lunch hours, and working into the night when I would rather be binging on WESTWORLD on a new script project that is due quickly.

It's funny how many parallels there are between the first screenplay I ever had turned into a movie, the Bigfoot mockumentary AMONG US, and the most recent (lucky thirteenth) one, a retro-styled Bigfoot movie titled IN SEARCH OF (ISO).

When I was working on the set of AMONG US, Mark Polonia was asked by a distributor to produce three more movies that year, and he asked me to write all three.  At that time I didn't believe I could write three screenplays in a single year, so we agreed that I would re-write two and the third one would be an original script.

The first became the infamous PETER ROTTENTAIL, which was a rewrite of a handwritten script called PSYCHO CLOWN, and it has entered the halls of infamy by being rated one of the Worst Horror Films of All Time by the British website Nerdly, and no less an august publication than Fangoria devoted an hour-long podcast to its wonders.  I did the rewrite over a delirious long weekend and I think it's raw and funny but obviously your mileage may vary.

The second rewrite was of a piranha movie called RAZORTEETH, which made nary a ripple, so to speak, a worse fate than its predecessor.  Only about 25 percent of my rewrite made it to the screen through various production hiccups and I think now it is a bit of a rarity.

The deal came apart before my original screenplay DEMONS ON A DEAD END STREET was filmed, and I have been sorry about that all these years later as I think it is my best screenplay that has never been made (the second best is a science fiction screenplay I wrote called TETHYS).  It once looked to be produced in New Zealand when the rights came back to me but that didn't work out either, so I have it around if the day ever comes that somebody might want it.  I just this weekend heard from a friend that a colleague of his had sold a screenplay, with all rights attached, over Craigslist, so there's that.

So on the set of IN SEARCH OF I learned Mark was working on a three-movie deal and again asked me to be a part.  By now, almost 15 years later, I have learned through much trial and error that I can crank up a screenplay in three or four weeks.  But what caught my attention about this one is that all three screenplays would be more or less shot back to back, more or less on the SyFy Channel model with crazy premises, and would all be needed in about six weeks.

Challenge accepted.  Loyal readers know that I have made much of the accomplishment of stalwart b-director Thomas Carr, who in 1950, at the very ass end of the b-movie western era, took a pair of aging former Hopalong Cassidy sidekicks and a handful of rewritten scripts and shot six c-grade oaters in 30 days.  That these are all watchable, and in fact enjoyable, is a tremendous achievement and not talked about nearly enough today (and you can buy them all cheap as THE BIG IRON COLLECTION on Amazon).

These new scripts are all high-concept titles, but I will again take a page from better (comic book and fiction and newsletter) writer Warren Ellis and give them all non-disclosure-like codenames here (and by high concept, I mean like the guy who thought there should be a bunch of movies about sharks that get sucked up into tornadoes).

One idea which I am going to codename KRASNIKOV caught my fancy right away, and I broke my landspeed record by writing it in two weeks.  The distributor told Mark that they had to be weird and crazy and as loyal readers know I don't have to be told that twice.

A week after and I am halfway through the one I am calling SEQUENCE SIX which started off nutty but got a little nuttier when Mark called last night and said "put some zombies in it."

The third one which I am calling THE HORRIBLE ASP, because I just heard that REM song, I have had the most trouble wrapping my mind around, even though it was the only one that also came with an outline.

I am hoping that in about three more weeks I will have them all done.  I am to the point in my career that I only work with the people I want to and do projects that are interesting to me.  And I have always wanted the kind of Nerd Extreme Sports Challenge that Thomas Mann took on, all those years ago.

I'll let you know soon about my progress.

And I've Seen London, And I've Played Japan

There are two things I love about Bloomington Indiana; my brother lives there and the IU Cinema is there (not in that order).  On Friday I got to see filmmaker John Waters there, first giving a talk, then screening “Cecil B. DeMented”, then doing a Q&A.  I went away liking him even more than before.  (I think) we both feel there are enough people in the world waiting for a new Transformers movie or new Fast and Furious movie and we would in general prefer something different.  I for sure have always been attracted to the grassroots DV projects, backyard VHS epics, photocopied comic books, stapled zines, homemade mix tapes with bands nobody has heard of, the great homemade world most people don’t care about.

I found out when I jumped down that rabbit hole, decades after John Waters did, that there are a lot of people that feel the same way.  And those people can become your fans and when they do they are very loyal.  For instance I was more than shocked when, after several years of self-imposed exile from screenwriting, I learned people noticed I was gone and cared that I was coming back.

But it’s a double-edge sword because you also have to suffer the slings and arrows of those who don’t understand why you feel that way.  I listened to John Waters field questions about making “kitschy” and “bad” things and his love for such things.  When people ask me in interviews or casual conversation, “what’s the worst movie ever made?” I always think, I wonder if somebody has ever asked my hero Michael Tolkin that (he replaced William Goldman because he once wrote me an email after reading this blog, and William Goldman has never done that)?  But now I will be all like, well, if John Waters has to listen to it, I guess I will too  (for the record, I always say “Triumph of the Will”).  Because John Waters seemed a little taken aback and ended up kind of defending himself and saying, well I like foreign movies too (as seen in “Cecil B. DeMented” when everybody from Castle to Fassbinder to Anger to Peckinpah to Lean is name-checked).

But there is something worse than this, and that is nobody caring.  There are literally tens of thousands of movies that dropped like a rock in a pond and did not leave a ripple (and I have written some of them).  So when a movie I worked on more than ten years ago, “Peter Rottentail,” bubbled to the surface recently, I couldn’t have been more thrilled. 

First, I learned that the British website Nerdly rated it one of the Ten Worst Horror Movies Of All Time .

And more recently, Fangoria did an hour-long podcast with the movie as its subject.  Of course they thought it sucked, and it sucked so bad that one host had to listen to my audio commentary track to try to internalize why it sucked so bad.

And I was happy.  Just think, I have been reading Fangoria since I was a kid (though admittedly I always liked Starlog better).  And some Fangoria guys talked about a movie I worked on a decade ago for a solid hour.  Okay, I wasn’t thrilled that the one guy gave me that “duh duh duh” voice that mad girlfriends give their boyfriends the world over, but as far as the movie review, I was happy. 

Because getting your movie labeled the worst actually attracts, like a moth to flame, people like me.  Which is who I wrote it for.

You have to sniff past what I call the Joe Bob Briggs phenomena—reviewers drinking and half watching, or working up quips and half watching—and sometimes that is frustrating because they come in with preconceived notions, and often the biggest one is mixing up “stupid” and “cheap.”   I feel the burn right now on “Jurassic Prey,” which I am very proud of the script for, but a lot of people dismiss as inherently stupid.   In fact I wrote a whole blog post about this idea, upon the release of “Sharknado 2”, so I won’t go over it all now   But apples to apples, I would challenge anyone to read my script for “Jurassic Prey” and say it is worse than some thunderously stupid, but very attractive, blockbuster movies out there.  One has the resources of Skywalker Ranch, the other Dollar General.  And apples to apples, that’s not on the screenwriter.  But it is the reality.

“Peter Rottentail” was the second movie ever made from my writing, even though I had sold several screenplays by that time.  I was working on the set of the bigfoot movie I wrote for the Polonia Brothers, “Among Us,” which was my first movie and has had good legs on its own, when the distributor called and said he would need three more movies that year.  It was the go-go time of the direct-to-DVD boom, and I was in the right place at the right time.  However I told the brothers I could not write three more movies that year, which would be nothing to me now (I believe my record is seven in one year) so they agreed I would write one more and then rewrite two of their existing scripts.  So when I got back from the shoot a package came in the mail—it was the handwritten, on lined paper, version of a movie called “Psycho Clown” which I was to turn into “Peter Rottentail.”  I typed it in and rewrote it at the same time, and I believe I finished it in a long three-day weekend.  I had a lot of fun with it.  It was never meant to be taken seriously and I think I wrote it with some delirious intensity (I don’t believe I’ve ever done another one that fast).  I have not sat down to watch it with fresh eyes after so many years, but I am sure it does not help that DV technology has advanced quite a bit—I am certain the credits were done on a Video Toaster—and that even by the days’ standards it was made at a very threadbare cost.

But I’m proud of my part of it, and I know some people like it (and some people really like it ) and if I am going to give any small nugget of hard wisdom to aspiring screenwriters reading my blog it is this; that you should be proud of everything that leaves your keyboard.

So thanks to Nerdly and Fangoria for bringing new people to my old pal Peter Rottentail.

Good Morning, Mister Sunshine

As I have posted before, I have been in self-imposed exile from screenwriting for a few years.  But people kept throwing ropes down the well so I finally climbed back up.

I have slowly but surely found myself in this odd place where all the stuff I worked on and all the people I worked with and knew in b-movies and microcinema have faded enough into the past to be nostalgic to new people.  Strangely I have found tons of Facebook groups and the like springing up collecting VHS tapes and a sudden resurgence in shooting on SVHS which we only did because we were poor and desperate and at the fringes of society.

Then I got a shout-out in this book about "cult pictures of vision, verve, and no self-restraint" and I started to wonder, if I was never cool before, can I ever become cool in retrospect?

Yesterday I found out that a movie I worked on some years back, Peter Rottentail, is coming out on one of those megapack DVDs called "Movies That Made My Mom Puke."  I don't know if it's false advertising or not but my mom might get a little pop-eyed at it, but I don't think she'd puke.

I was recently asked to be interviewed for a proposed project on the go-go microcinema world that was here and gone and called my old pal Mark Polonia to make sure the interviewer was above board with everything (you can read the results in the header of my blog from the last time I was interviewed).  Mark gave the interviewer the thumbs up and before we knew it Mark and I were talking about old times.

Mark is working on a retro line of movies right now and the next thing I knew we were collaborating on MEAT EATERS, a cautionary tale about the perils of using dynamite indiscriminately near where some dinosaurs may be frozen.  I would officially call it a "dino-noir" and, after amazingly flying off of my rusty fingertips in just three weeks, it will be going before the lens--stop-motion monster and all--at the end of June in the wilds of rural Pennsylvania.

And just this week, another project with somebody I wanted to collaborate with came out of the shadows.  Stay tuned.

Until then I am at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Sweet Peter Rottentail

Every year my pal Tim Shrum, de facto president of the Polonia Brothers Fan Club, bakes a cake based on a classic Polonia Brothers movie. Whether he has other issues or not, I'm not sure. Once again this year Tim picked one of my own scripted projects (after doing "Among Us" before). Strange enough to have a script turned into a movie, but then turned into a cake really takes--well, you understand. Thanks, Tim!

I Was Bigfoot's Shemp, Revisited

Five years ago I helped launch the website Microcinema Scene; now it looks like it will get folded into a new (yet unlaunched) site, and it goes with my good wishes. One of my favorite articles that I wrote for the site was about my adventures working with the legendary B-movie auteurs Mark and John Polonia. It was actually an expansion of an article I wrote for a very good site still in operation called B-independent.com. Until this article finds a new home, here it is, reprinted for your reading pleasure.

SUNDAY MAY 22, 2005: THE TRAPDOOR OPENS
I decided to get off the interstate and cut cross-country towards Wellsboro, Pennsylvania, a baseball game murmuring on the radio and the rolling hills easing past my windshield. Soon I arrived in the hometown of those unholy twins of b-moviedom, the Polonia Brothers. I thought the shooting would be done for the day, but learned from Mark Polonia's wife that they have been held up. But soon the cast and crew burst in, chatting excitedly. A planned "guerilla" filmmaking shoot in some local basement locations with permissions of the "don't ask, don't tell" variety went a tad sour when the sprinkler system went off, with flooding ensuing. I asked how things went otherwise, and learned that it had gone well, with one person being cut in half, and another beheaded by an evil priest. And just like that I was down the rabbit hole and back in the world of b-movie filmmaking.

SUMMER, 2001: A JOURNEY OF A MILLION MILES
A co-worker brought me a movie he said I “had to watch.” It was the Polonia Brothers’ space epic BLOOD RED PLANET. I was mesmerized. Past the motorcycle helmet space masks and the water bottle oxygen tanks and the gravel pit moonscape and the hand-puppet monsters I saw a great sense of energy and fun and love for the genre. I looked up Polonia Brothers Entertainment on the Internet, and quickly delved into their world. Probably best known for FEEDERS, one of the first shot-on-video features accepted at Blockbuster, the Polonia Brothers have made a name for themselves as b-movie horror mavens, embraced by some and shunned by others. I quickly found Mark Polonia’s email address, and thought I would drop him a line. At that point it never occurred to me that I might end up sleeping on his couch.

DECEMBER, 2002: FROM THE POLONIA MIND TO MY HAND
Mark Polonia and I had been writing back and forth and talking on the phone for some time, discussing projects and trying to get a few off the ground. Mark asked me if I would be interested in writing a Bigfoot movie based on an outline he and his brother John had worked up. I told him I wasn’t sure what I could do with a Bigfoot movie but that I would think about it. After I hung up with Mark the phone rang again a short time later. It was Polonia Brothers actor, director, and general co-conspirator Jon McBride. McBride is probably best known for helming the cult classic CANNIBAL CAMPOUT, as well as a happy-go-lucky little feature called WOODCHIPPER MASSACRE. He asked, “You’re not going to write that Bigfoot movie, are you?”

SPRING, 2003: “AND SO IT BEGINS”
Casting, FX by Brett Piper (PSYCLOPS, DRAINIAC), and some second unit and b-roll shots are done throughout the spring, in LA and Pennsylvania, with the changing seasons and locations hopefully giving the project an expansive feel. The bulk of the shooting was locked down for the end of May in Pennsylvania, and I agreed to come out and be on the set and try to pitch in. Little did I know then that “pitching in” would include everything from gathering wood to cooking food to putting on an ape suit to feeding my own script into a campfire. I was blissfully unaware of what was to come.

WEDNESDAY MAY 28, 2003: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
I touched down in beautiful Elmira, New York at 11 p.m., and was quickly whisked off to Wellsboro, Pennsylvania by the Polonia Brothers and Jon McBride. They had been shooting all day all over Wellsboro with Bob Dennis and Hunter Austin, playing the leads Billy D’Amato and Jennifer Dempsey. Early in the morning we were going to leave for the cabin that is the centerpiece for the latter third of the movie and spend several days and nights living and shooting there, so everyone was ready to call it a night. But I did get a quick tour through Wellsboro, recognizing tons of locations from PBE films like FEEDERS, NIGHT THIRST, and others. At midnight we pulled up to the house that I last saw in THE HOUSE THAT SCREAMED 2. I had the surreal feeling that the whole town was a giant Polonia Brothers backlot, and I briefly wondered why the humble people of Wellsboro had not risen up with pitchforks and torches and driven these diabolical twins into the river. A short time later I was lying on Mark’s couch and asleep.

THURSDAY MAY 29, 2003: “SURVIVOR: WELLSBORO”
For the first time I heard words that I wrote coming out of an actor’s mouth, and it’s a weird feeling...from my laptop in the cornfields of rural Indiana to an L.A. actresses’ mouth in a van bumping down a road in Pennsylvania. It is basically a funny little scene where Billy D’Amato is driving to the cabin and talking about the differences between shooting documentaries and shooting porno movies. Unfortunately the first scene I would hear of mine mouthed by a professional actor had the word “cornhole” in it. At the end Mark Polonia turns to me as I’m crouching out of the camera line in the back seat and says, “Well, you’ve seen your first scene comes to life!” and John Polonia cheerfully chimes in with, “We haven’t even started raping the script yet!”
Before long we arrive at the location, a cabin miles down a dirt road deep inside “the Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania,” with a raging river at the front and cliffs at our backs. The whole cast and crew piles out, soon to be joined by rats, snakes, centipedes, and whatever chewed on the legs of the outdoor chairs. Mark Polonia intoned, “They’re more afraid of you than you are of them,” a line that would be repeated often throughout the day and deep into the night. However, I also learned from his wife that he once chased a bear away from the trash with nothing to defend himself but his “tighty whities,” so there you go.
John Polonia gleefully told me that what is politely called “production assistant” in credits is more aptly named “prison b***h” on the set. But it was fun to be involved during the shoot, doing a little of everything from setting up lights to taping “behind the scenes” footage with my Digital 8 camera to shooting promotional stills to grilling hot dogs for lunch and washing up afterwards. At one point I was carrying the heavy tripod and camera across a rickety footbridge that would be considered too unbelievable to use in an “Indiana Jones” movie, with John Polonia right behind goading me forward, and I thought two things…one, at least if someone is rolling tape they’ll have something to sell to FACES OF DEATH; and second, I wonder what the WGA would think about all of this?
Later in the evening we set up for a major scene where the principals are sitting around a campfire and start revealing little bits of their backstories about what motivates them to find evidence of Bigfoot. Unfortunately, wet wood and five inept males could not get the fire started. Finally Bob Dennis took me aside and said apologetically, “If this offends you we don’t have to do it, but I brought an extra copy of the script…” I looked around at the fading “magic hour” and said, “light it up.” A moment later I was watching Bob feed the script into the fire and thinking, “Well, I know writers say actors send their scripts down in flames, but I bet William Goldman has never seen this.”
When we got going on the campfire scene, my heart started racing. With the night falling, the cabin lit in the background, the flickering light from the fire illuminating the actors, I looked through the viewfinder and realized for the first time that the movie was going to look fantastic. Then the next scene shot was a little away from the fire, the heart-to-heart between Billy and Jennifer, where some of their unexpressed feelings bubble back to the surface. I got a chill when it suddenly dawned on me that the acting was great too. At the end of the scene, Hunter had tears in her eyes, and the crew spontaneously clapped. John Polonia observed, “It was the first time someone cried making a Polonia Brothers movie, instead of just watching one.”
(Flash forward to a few days later, when I told Mark Polonia that I could remember the exact moment when I thought the movie would be great. He looked on, sleepy but sage, and said, “Be prepared for bad reviews anyway.”)
Fourteen hours after we loaded in gear at Mark Polonia’s house we were ready to wrap for the day. Bob Dennis, the Polonias, and I retired to an upstairs bedroom to look at dailies. When Hunter Austin joined us, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Although we assumed she was looking at the screen, she was actually watching a snake slither out of the rafters and dangle ominously over Bob’s head. More girly screaming ensued as two more snakes made an appearance, perhaps coaxed out by the warm movie lights we had used earlier. The sad part is that the girly screaming was evenly distributed among the participants, only one of which was a girl. It was loud enough that it actually woke up Jon McBride, who throughout the shoot showed the ability to drop onto any flat surface at a moment’s notice and instantly fall asleep . The fastest set breakdown in cinematic history had us bouncing back up the road to Mark Polonia’s house just a few minutes later. Quoth Mark Polonia, “I was there the day the courage of men failed.”
There is an ironically prophetic line in the script where Jennifer queries “counselor’s cabin at Crystal Lake or Leatherface’s living room?” Suffice to say, it did not take long for the Polonia Brothers to abandon their idea of the location as the center of a series called “Hell Camp.” John Polonia’s replacement idea: “Hell Yacht.”

FRIDAY MAY 30, 2003: “I WAS BIGFOOT’S SHEMP”
The whole cast and crew returned to the cabin in the light of morning, shaken but determined to go on. The entire day would be spent shooting the last few minutes of the movie where the Bigfoot creatures lay siege to the cabin. It never occurred to me to ask that with Hunter, Bob, Jon, and John Polonia in the film, and with Mark behind the camera, who might be called upon to put on the Bigfoot suit.
First there would be many intense scenes of screaming, running, smashing things, swinging meat cleavers and hot dog forks and rolling pins, running up and down the stairs, and so on. Basically, everyone drew on their real-life experiences of the night before. And the real, palpable fear on everyone’s faces when shooting the scenes where the cast barricades themselves in the bedroom (aka “the snake room”) only gave the sequence some extra spice.
Late in the afternoon we returned to Mark Polonia’s house, and were treated to a great home-cooked meal put together by the Polonia Brothers’ wives, giving a much-needed second wind. Then it was off to the home of the Polonia parents, a friendly couple whose easygoing manner made it hard to believe that they spawned the twins who made SPLATTER FARM, to shoot vehicle interiors for a climactic attack on Billy’s van. Although Jon McBride had “shemped” Bigfoot in the publicity stills shot earlier in the day and John Polonia shemped Bigfoot in the b-roll, it fell upon my shoulders to put on the heavy, hairy suit and throw myself repeatedly against the windows and doors of the van while screams and shouts issued forth. It didn’t take long to realize that there were no airholes around the nose and mouth, but I tried to bravely soldier forth, ripping off the mask in between takes to gasp blissful gulps of air and wipe the sweat from my brow. My head spun only once.
I peeled off the suit, leaving it uninhabitable for other mortals, and stepped away from it smelling like the inside of a flat tire. Then I looked around and realized that principal photography was over. Like the film’s antagonist, the shoot was hairy, noisy, smelly, and left a swath of destruction in its wake. But as the cast and crew congratulated each other and said their good-byes, it was a good feeling.

SATURDAY MAY 31, 2003: THE AFTERGLOW
With two of the main actors, Bob and Hunter, making their way home, the Polonia Brothers, Jon McBride, and I began to watch all of the footage, seeing the scenes we had shot over the last few days unfold before our eyes. Everything was there (a blessing, as John Polonia had an alarming tendency to leave the lens cap on), and not only that, it looked great. Over several hours I began to see in my mind how the film would piece together, and I thought, even if it gets panned from coast to coast and in every dusty corner of the Internet, I am still proud of what we did.
That evening I was treated to a great dinner at a nice restaurant with the extended Polonia family. There I saw a poster for the local “Rattlesnake Festival,” where denizens swarm the hills to capture and bring back rattlers to the baseball diamond in the center of town. Prizes are awarded for the biggest capture, and anti-venom and pork fritters are easily on hand. For myself, I would then apply a well-swung axe; but the fun-loving Pennsylvanians turn the snakes loose again. For the first time I thought I understood what in their formative years made the Polonia Brothers what they are today.

SUNDAY JUNE 1, 2003: PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW
My last day in Wellsboro was full of odds and ends. I got to see John Polonia’s massive VHS and DVD collection, chockablock full of everything from rare Italian giallo to undistributed backyard slasher flicks to films I’ve never heard of from Russia and England to Mexico and Japan, a wall of horror titles that would make a fanboy weep and a Blockbuster rep quake in fear. I got to peruse the basement lair of Mark Polonia, where boxes of grisly props, alien hands and buggle-eyed masks and scorched spaceship models and gore-spattered swords, are packed in next to an AV nerd’s dream-stash of edit controllers and cameras and film equipment. I saw the row of PBE master tapes, NIGHTCRAWLER and FEEDERS 2 and SAURIANS and others, nestled in orderly rows in a basement, but already having a life of their own, in video stores and department stores and homes all around the world. I looked at them and wondered, would one day AMONG US be picked off a shelf in a store in a town in a country on this great spinning earth?
Later both Polonias and Jon McBride accompanied me to the airport. As I was checking my bags in the quiet terminal, the attendant inclined his head and said, “Your family can come up here and talk to you while we’re doing this if you want.” I began to muse on the idea…was this group of people more Partridge Family or Manson Family? Or was it something else, a family of artists and dreamers and technicians and of course filmmakers but above all movie lovers, who rose up from rich Middle American earth and followed their vision despite what those who cluttered the coasts might tell them was possible, embracing fans and ignoring foes while striding ever forward?
I was still thinking about it when the plane rose up into the sky.

2004: DAYS OF WINE AND PIRAHNAS
The Polonias had caught me in an unguarded moment when I carried that heavy tripod across the rickety bridge near “The Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania,” and I agreed to help them with rewrites over their next two features, a couple of relative quickies about a piranha attack and one about a killer rabbit. The killer rabbit script came to me a mixture of handwritten pages and typed inserts from an old script called PSYCHO CLOWN, bolted together with brass screws. The piranha script turned out to be a bit of a mishmash after production problems and long delays, but a little Polonia Brothers magic smoothed them out into enjoyable little packages, and both were on the shelf and ready for consumption.
But everyone involved were ready to gird their loins and launch another epic project. Some unwise historical collectors, unaware of how much mud and (fake) blood splashed around at a b-movie shoot, had offered access to period uniforms and weapons from World War II. This sparked the Polonia Brothers on to a burst of ideas, and somehow, once more, I was sucked into their vortex, on a supernatural war movie tentatively titled HELLSHOCK.

MONDAY MAY 23, 2005: BACK TO THE FRONT
Today we hauled equipment under two barbed-wire fences to state land behind the Polonia Brothers ancestral home in Ansonia, Pennsylvania. Mark Polonia insisted it was okay but seemed to be keeping his eyes peeled for rangers anyway. This was my first glimpse of D.P. Matt Smith and his low-riding purple van laden with dolly tracks, a jib, and every kind of light setup imaginable, including the low-budget filmmaker's friend the Chinese lantern. People who might scornfully say that the Polonia's movies were all shot with handheld camcorders would come to a reckoning on this day. The authentic costumes and weapons add much, though everyone's shoulders are hunched against the eventual FBI raid, or the appearance of nervous hunters. John Polonia voices his fears that he might have gotten on some unwanted lists by buying Nazi armbands and costumes from casually-perused websites.Lots of tramping in the woods, with a fog machine providing some spookiness. Mark gave the actors a faceful of leafblower to simulate a "cloud of souls" passing over the troops, and it was amusing to watch people's skin flapping back against their skulls. I came to realize that World War II filmmaking is a lot like the various descriptions of actual battle--long periods of boredom and inactivity spiked with sudden bursts of madness and desperation.Later we retired to a gravel pit, where I stood down at the bottom and allowed Brian Berry and Bob Dennis to lob mock grenades down on me, and I retrieved them take after take. Angling for that "Grenade Wrangler" credit.Even later we went to John Polonia's basement for some underground stuff, a location seen in more features than any Hollywood backlot. Mark and John decided to scrub a scene where the soldiers accidentally shoot a cat who jumps out in one of those patented scares oft seen in such films. John voiced his concern for showing cruelty to animals. Meanwhile, behind him, Jon McBride is pointing out to curious castmembers where he was standing where he was whipped with hooked chains in HOUSE THAT SCREAMED 2, and where Ken VanSant took the machete to the skull in PETER ROTTENTAIL. Our ragged band returned home late, after about a 14 hour day.

TUESDAY MAY 24, 2005: OUR FIRST DEADLY SIN
Today was the first day of shooting at the historic church in little Germania, Pennsylvania. What man of the cloth allowed the demonic twins to have unlimited access to this sacred spot remains a mystery. Though I remembered the ban on cussing at the church from earlier in the pre-production phase, when I had to rewrite the script to take out the bad words. If the Polonia Brothers and I were going to hell, it wasn't going to be for cussing in a church.
I continued to be amazed that the good people of the small towns of Pennsylvania--Wellsboro, Ansonia, Germania, and so on--don't rise up with pitchforks and torches and drive the Polonia Brothers across state lines into the wilds of upstate New York. As a for instance, we couldn't get cell service, so Ken VanSant (Lt. Bonham) walked down to a pay phone in front of a mom and pop store. This was unfortunately after the scene where he gets wounded and thus had some bloody bandages on. Apparently this caused a bit of a stir in downtown Germania, a stalwart hunting and fishing community where such injuries are perhaps not uncommon but certainly not welcome. Though later Dave Fife (as a German prisoner) walked into the local honkytonk with a leaking neck wound and a Nazi uniform and apparently didn't cause a stir. But this is what happens when Hollywood comes to town.

WEDNESDAY MAY 25, 2005: REALITY SEEPS BACK IN
A journalist, with a photog in tow, show up at the set from Harrisburg, the state capitol. They had been nosing around the night before, but stayed through until morning to see the cherry picker shots for the open and close of the feature. But the cherry picker never arrived, and everyone seemed disappointed except the unflappable Mark Polonia, (who has seen more b-movie disasters than Irwin Allen) who simply said, "We'll move on." I had been keeping my eye on the photog, hoping he would get a picture of me in full William Goldman mode, nodding in approval at the Polonias from a discreet location, instead of a shot of me going to pick up the pizzas or picking up all the trash in the church. I really didn't expect to be interviewed, so I was surprised when the journalist climbed into my van as I headed down the road to our lodgings to boil some hot dogs for the cast and crew's lunch.I was chatting along, trying not to talk out of my butt too much, when the reporter asked me if I was interested in going to Hollywood. It seemed like a dizzying anomaly for a moment. I was in our rented rooms above the local general store, boiling hot dogs. That morning, while I was drinking coffee with the locals downstairs, I learned a group of them had chased a mother bear and her three cubs down the main street of town the day before. It was not the William Goldman moment I had hoped for.
But I was reminded of a shelf of free paperbacks in the store below, alongside the video rentals and the Polaroids of hunting adventures and the fresh coffee. I had found a Philip K. Dick book I wanted, a welcome find, and left a paperback I had brought. This brought me more happiness than almost anything else all week. I remembered an interview I had given a while back where I recalled that as a child I had never thought about writing the New York Times bestseller but instead thought about my Great American Novel being on a dusty shelf in some out-of-the-way place, and a kid finding it and reading it and thinking: I could do better. I think about my movie experiences the same way. I have always been drawn to the underground, the unheard voices, the photocopied 'zines, the local bands with their homemade cassettes, and so on. Let my movies exist, not under the searchlights of Hollywood, but on a shelf in Germania, Pennsylvania, and let some disenfranchised youth from our great Flyover Country between the two coasts find it for rent, and be inspired to go on the same long, crazy trip I have taken.
That great, beautiful country sang by my windows as I took my leave of this latest cinematic adventure and pointed my car towards home.

I Dreamed That Jimmy Page Would Come From Santa Monica And Teach Me To Play

I owe three peeps some coverage of their scripts. I am getting bad about that. I need to do some reading. One is horror, one I think is romance, the other I am a little afraid to read.

Me and my Little Brother Harold would snooping around for HeroClix commons at a local gaming store and came across the new D&D, which I think is version 4. Maybe I'm old school (okay--I was hanging around at the Keep on the Borderlands when it was just a lemonade stand) but my droogs had long debates about whether to go from Classic D&D to AD&D back in the day, and then in fairly rapid succession we have 3 and 4 (remember, there were many, many experience levels gained between when 1 and 2 came out) and I hardly have gotten to play 3 and now I have to throw it away and buy 4. Perhaps my last adventure has been written in that tome of legendary deeds.

Thinking about scoping out this.

If you have Netflix (and by the way, the queue only holds 500, as I found out) you can now check out SEX MACHINE with the "Instant Play" option right off the site, which is pretty cool. Thanks to Peter Bruno for the heads up.

AMONG US has been available on "Instant Play" for a while.

PETER ROTTENTAIL and RAZORTEETH you still have to get off of Netflix the old fashioned way.

If you don’t have Netflix, you can still find them at discriminating video rental outlets, late-night cable, Amazon, ebay, dollar bins, etc.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Love I Lost, Part 1

I did my audio commentary for PETER ROTTENTAIL last night, and I think it went okay. I did not make the long BLARRRP sound that a loyal reader emailed me to say would be what it would sound like if indeed I "talked out of my ass" like I indicated yesterday.

I'm gearing up for a rewrite on a pretty interesting script which I hope to be able to talk more about in the next few days.

I got a new batch of screeners to review for www.microcinemascene.com, and over lunch today watched an eye-popping short called CARMEN'S VIRTUE with some pretty wild kung fu scenes in it. A lot of fun, and worth looking for.

Here's a bit more from RING OF THE SORCERESS:

CUT TO:
EXT. FARM FIELDS -- LATER
A pastoral scene, of a FAMILY working the land. The idyll is broken by the CLANG of heavy armor.
The MOTHER of the clan, working alongside a CHILD, looks up in fear.
Four grim, armored swordsmen, led by BORIS HALFMOON, a sharp-eyed knight with a dark demeanor, crest the hill.
MOTHER
(whispers)
Silent Guard.
She covers the child's eyes.
The foursome pulls up short. The FATHER wipes sweat from his brow and approaches hesitantly. Boris and his man-at-arms, LUTHER OSRIC, a young lantern-jawed knight, brace the proud farmer.
BORIS
Where stands Crescent Abbey?
The father points.
FATHER
Through yonder wood.
Boris nods curtly, and the other knights fall in behind him. Luther turns and flips the farmer a gold coin. The man plucks it out of the air.
The father watches them until they disappear, then drops the gold coin as if it were roasting hot, and kicks dirt over it. He turns solemnly to his wife.
FATHER (CONT'D)
Take the children to the root cellar, and lock the door behind ye.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. ABBEY -- AFTERNOON
An ancient stone keep, overgrown with vines and flowers, nestled in a pleasant wood.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. ABBEY (COURTYARD) -- CONTINUOUS
Peryl sits on a stone bench in a neatly-kept courtyard next to a pleasant pond. But her face is turned in upon itself.
DEVLIN SILVERTHORN, an older man dressed in the same severe robes as Peryl, observes her from afar. After a long moment, he approaches.
SILVERTHORN
Peryl.
Peryl comes out of her reverie.
PERYL
Master Silverthorn.
SILVERTHORN
I bring bad news from the village, I fear. Another maiden found slain.
Peryl looks ill.
PERYL
Dark days, indeed. But I hear that the Queen's own guard is involved in the search.
SILVERTHORN
Indeed...for better or ill.
(beat)
Is that all that concerns you today?
Peryl chooses her words carefully.
PERYL
I wonder about the day I came to Crescent Abbey.
SILVERTHORN
A foundling, in a basket. Many of our order have arrived in that fashion.
PERYL
There was a note, pinned to the blanket.
SILVERTHORN
It said "Peril," yes.
PERYL
I have begun to wonder if that was my name...or a warning.
SILVERTHORN
The order has been trying to help you master your powers.
Peryl absorbs this.
PERYL
But what I have yet to learn is...can my power be evil, if I try to use it for good?
Silverthorn pauses.
SILVERTHORN
Do you need to tell me about something, my child?
PERYL
No, I...I just need to take a walk and think.
SILVERTHORN
Please do not go beyond the abbey walls, while a killer stalks the wood.
PERYL
I will go where I must.
Peryl gets up and leaves abruptly, while Silverthorn looks on with concern.

Give me a yell at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

If We Make It Through December

The first real blast of winter weather hit Indiana this weekend, so we have been burrowing in. Watched a few movies, read a great graphic novel (SHUTTERBUG FOLLIES by Jason Little), puttered on some writing. Need to start girding my loins and working harder.

Here's more from PETER ROTTENTAIL:

SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. GRANDMA'S HOUSE -- DAY
The past. From the young boy's POV, the mocking LAUGHTER of Tejeda's unearthly presence drives Peter to his knees.
Peter rolls on the driveway, trying to keep the hellish sounds out of his skull.
Peter tries to crawl away.
PETER
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Peter tries to cover his ears again.
The little boy watches the man's agony, terrified.
Suddenly, he sees a tall, gleaming top hat sitting on the driveway in front of Peter.
Peter grabs the top hat and pulls it down over his head.
PETER (CONT'D)
MAKE IT STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Peter rolls on the ground, flailing.
Peter looks down and finds a knife in his hand. He stares at it.
PETER (CONT'D)
Where did...
The little boy watches him in terror.
Peter stares at him with wild eyes.
PETER (CONT'D)
Yes...to make it stop...kill...kill them all...
The boy runs back into the house.
Peter chases him, frothing at the mouth.
PETER (CONT'D)
Come back, little boy! People like you...get killed by people like me!
The boy SLAMS the door in Peter's face.
Peter stabs the doorframe in a rage. The knife vibrates there.
CUT TO:
INT. GRANDMA'S HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER
The wide-eyed boy stares through the glass of the back door. Peter's crazed eyes look back.
Peter lets out an ear-shattering SCREAM and pounds on the door.
The boy begins to slowly close in on himself, cowering at the noise.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. GRANDMA'S HOUSE (LIVING ROOM) -- LATER
James rubs his head, and his face shows sudden clarity.
JAMES
My god...I remember...I remember...
James reaches down and blows the candle out.
CUT TO:

Give me a yell at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

I cooked out about five or six hours' worth of hard-core writing on my "hoosier" documentary script. I'll shoot it to the director tomorrow, nonchalantly, like I haven't been working on it like a blue-assed dog for the last few days.

I've been talking so much about this crazy-ass PETER ROTTENTAIL script I rewrote over John Polonia's work (half-handwritten, half-spliced from another script called PSYCHO CLOWN) that I thought I would start posting it here as a follow-up to my Bigfoot epic AMONG US, one humble page at a time. It sounds like it'll be the next one completed. So here's the first salvo:

FADE IN:
INT. DREAMSCAPE -- NIGHT
A backlit figure, in a tall top hat and tails. He is running towards the camera.
In the foreground, a YOUNG BOY is running from the shadowed figure, a look of terror on his face.
A knife gleams in the man's hand.
The boy keeps running.
The backlit figure seems to be gliding forward under some mysterious power.
The knife flashes as it arcs through the air.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. JAMES' HOME (BEDROOM) -- MORNING
JAMES NEELY, an older version of that scared kid, sits bolt upright in bed.
JAMES
NOOOO!!!
CUT TO:
INT. RICH KID'S HOUSE -- DAY
PETER KRIGSTEIN, a shabbily-dressed magician in an upscale home, is trying desperately to entertain some bored kids.
PETER
For my next trick--
The trick begins to unravel before it begins.
A chunk of birthday cake SPLATS against his threadbare cutaway jacket.
PETER (CONT'D)
Not the cake, kids. Anything but the cake.
CUT TO:
EXT. RICH KID'S HOUSE -- LATER
A frosting-spattered Peter trudges dejectedly towards his rusty sedan.
PETER
I got to get one more rung up the ladder.
He climbs in, and the sedan COUGHS to the life. It RATTLES out of the drive.

Give me a yell at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Monday morning my head is bad...but it's worth it, for the times that I had...

I talked to Mark Polonia and found out that they knocked out a big chunk of PETER ROTTENTAIL, the voodoo-spawned killer rabbit movie, over the last few days, and they were pleased with the results. Hard to believe that a few weeks ago they didn't have a bunny suit and I hadn't sent them a script. They hope to have it done by Christmas, the first of this high-wire act of trying to finish four features in twelve months for Sub Rosa. It looks like my DEMONS ON A DEAD END STREET will be up next, so I guess I should rewrite the ending like they asked. Then it's GIZZARD GUTS, and then I'll look at the smoking ruin of my writerly life and decide what to do next. I still have to finish up a nonfiction doc script, a few new scenes on THE PAYBACK MAN for Ivan Rogers, then maybe something else that I have some very tentative feelers out for.

Give me a yell at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Dirty Low Down Shame

I spent today cutting and painting the trim, and painted the door and window, in my new improved bathroom; a long day, but I still get a warm feeling when I realize our old "crackhouse bathroom" is gone into a landfill somewhere. I may try to grade some papers from my scriptwriting class tonight. Some days I get a charge from going through other people's creative process, and other days it frankly just saps your will to live (let someone say that in a writing seminar!). But I'm gaining "life experience," which is good if you are writing TERMS OF ENDEARMENT but doesn't always hold you in good stead when you're writing bigfoot movies and pirahna movies and ghost pirate movies. Speaking of which, the bulk of PETER ROTTENTAIL went before the cameras yesterday and will continue on through the weekend, I believe, and I'm eager for an update from the Polonia Brothers on how it's going. I wish I was back in the wilds of Pennsylvania shooting with them.

Give me a yell at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

I took a day off from my reality TV program "This Damn House" on Saturday and did some gaming with my pal The Caveman in honor of his birthday. He ran "X-Crawl," a variation of D&D with an emphasis on fun and mayhem. It's good to recharge my batteries a bit and maybe get those creative juices flowing for the work to come.

I spoke with the Polonia Brothers, and they are planning their major push on PETER ROTTENTAIL this coming weekend; hopefully the weather will hold. I also spoke with Ivan Rogers about working up a few new scenes for THE PAYBACK MAN as he continues to shape up that project for the big screen. I've been trying to stick with 3-5 pages a day writing, but with the house in disarray it's been difficult. Hopefully as the dust clears, literally and figuratively this week, I will point myself back in the right direction.

I tried to take my Mac Performa down to the Mission, after being turned away by Goodwill, and was told they only take Pentium-whatever and above. And they didn't want my encyclopedias, either. What kind of tech-saturated world do we live in when the homeless shelter won't take Macs and encyclopedias?

Let me know at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Down with Old T.P.

Our house got toilet-papered this weekend, the young Hoosieroon's way of saying "I like you." Worked a bit on the house and a bit on GIZZARD GUTS, the ghost pirate movie for the Polonia Brothers to be lensed in sunny New Jersey sometime next spring.

I got the first faint nibble on another project with somebody I've been eager to work with for a while, which I'll post more on later if it starts to come to fruition. Right now it's finishing the rewrite of GIZZARD GUTS, then a little work on DEMONS ON A DEAD END STREET, then we'll see.

I also talked a bit with Mark and John Polonia this weekend, and their killer rabbit movie PETER ROTTENTAIL is in full swing. Finally John even admitted he was having trouble getting his mind around what the hell they were doing. But a cool "bursting from the grave" scene seemed to put his thoughts at ease.

I have got so much chaos going on at my house with remodeling the bathroom that I'm not sure when I'll put fingers to keyboard again; but I know I will be off-line for a few days, but I'll try to weigh in Wednesday or Thursday.

Give me a yell at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Once More, With Feeling

I finally finished up the rewrite on PETER ROTTENTAIL last night and shipped it off to the Polonia Brothers. That was a tough mutha to give birth to, for some reason. I'd hate to look back at my blog and see how long I was writing "I have to finish a big chunk of PETER ROTTENTAIL." Too long.

I remember I was watching Mark and John Polonia shoot a scene for AMONG US on this rickety bridge over a raging river when they first asked me about rewriting this script. A magician who falls under an evil voodoo guy's spell and becomes a giant killer rabbit? Hard to get my mind around it then and now. I might have thought back then that I could possibly die trying to cross that river and didn't have anything to lose, and thus said "okay." Later John sent me the script; the first half was hand-written, the second half the typed latter part of another script called PSYCHO CLOWN with "Yuckles" scribbled out and "Peter" written in. But when I look at it as a whole now, it's pretty offbeat and funny. Not another "backyard slasher," to say the least.

The most calming thing, and the most frightening thing, John Polonia says is, "If we can't figure it out, we'll shemp it."

I'm going to start right away on the rewrite of GIZZARD GUTS, a ghost pirate movie that will be the third of the four-picture distribution deal the Polonia Brothers have. It looks like this may be shot in a resort area of New Jersey, so I am going to stay pretty close to this project and try to cajole a visit to the set. Hopefully I won't be writing "I have to get a big chunk of GIZZARD GUTS done" for the next month.

Give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Driver's Seat

Well, I hope to hit the hammer on the PETER ROTTENTAIL script this weekend. I have done quite a bit the last few nights. A meager fall television season helps.

I hope to have a productive weekend. I need to.

It looks like I'll finish posting AMONG US Monday, for those who have been waiting for the shattering denouement, and the many more who haven't.

When you see this part in the movie, it's me playing the Bigfoot. I kind of looked around the set and realized there were no other likely candidates not doing anything standing around. So in the suit I went, coming out smelling like the inside of a flat tire.

For those who know me, yes, I would be a pretty short Bigfoot. But standing on a box helped me channel my "inner sasquatch."

I also pulled cable, cooked food, washed dishes, took stills, shot behind the scenes footage, and more...hope the WGA never hears about this.

CUT TO:
INT. CABIN (KITCHEN) -- CONTINUOUS
Billy dodges his way back to the kitchen, skids to a stop, and snatches up his jacket.
Billy shrugs into his jacket, feeling all of the pockets. He relaxes when he pats the pocket where he has the car keys. He fishes the keys out.
Offscreen, there is the sound of CRACKING and FALLING WOOD.
Billy hesitates, looking around carefully. He wipes the sweat from his brow, then he grabs the camera and rights it on a head shot of himself.
BILLY
Just in case we don't make it, and somebody finds this tape someday?
(beat)
Mom and Dad, I love you. And Jennifer...
(beat)
I'm sorry.
Billy looks past the lens, catching Ray's eye.
BILLY (CONT'D)
Let's roll.
The camera falls in behind Billy.
CUT TO:
INT. CABIN -- MOMENTS LATER
Billy stops cold when he sees the bigfoot standing tall in the corner. A tipped lamp casts a strange long shadow over the creature, who stands partially in the darkness and partially in the light.
They stand and look at each other for a long time. Finally Billy and the camera scoot past and through the dark, broken doorway.
CUT TO:
EXT. CABIN -- CONTINUOUS
Just outside the door, something catches Billy's eye. It is the paring knife Billy had used earlier, jutting from the cabin wall. Billy gives it a baleful glance.
Billy races flat-out for the SUV and lunges for the door.
CUT TO:
INT. SUV -- CONTINUOUS
As Billy tries to work the ignition with a shaking hand, Jennifer's head juts into view from the back seat.
JENNIFER
Everything okay?
Billy opens his mouth, but before he can say anything another ROAR rips through the silence.
The SUV is pummeled, and is rocked back and forth. Flashes of fur, gleaming eyes, white teeth flash at the windows.
JENNIFER (CONT'D)
Drive! Drive!
Billy slams it into gear and tears away, letting the creatures fall away.
The camera flips around and gets a shot out of the back window, as one of the creatures stands in the red light of the vehicle's taillights.
As the creature gets smaller and the car speeds farther on, a triumphant HOWL rattles the windows.

Give me a yell at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner

So I talked to Mark Polonia last night about PETER ROTTENTAIL and asked when they wanted to see it. He said, "Last week." Yipe! I'm way behind, with a lot of life intervening in between. I got a good chunk in last night. I've just to keep on keepin' on until it's done.

The great secret about scriptwriting is that it's not you in your underwear under a tree looking at clouds and waiting for the muse to descend. It's you with your butt in a chair and having the will to sit there even when the Colts are on or whatever else.

There it is: you need more craft than art. And a cast-iron butt.

Here's more from the end of AMONG US:

CUT TO:
INT. CABIN -- MOMENTS LATER
Billy and Jennifer head downstairs at a more cautious pace.
They spot a nervous Wayne surveying the debris from the front door, scattered all over the floor. He looks pale and shaken.
Billy and Jennifer join him at the doorframe and peer beyond.
From the camera's POV, we see nothing in the darkness but the faint metallic glint from Billy's SUV.
Billy looks at everybody.
BILLY
Okay.
They work their way towards the vehicle, their pace quickening as they close in, until finally they are running full out, leaping for the doors, and diving in.
CUT TO:
INT. SUV -- CONTINUOUS
The car doors are locked with a satisfying CLICK.
Wayne expels a relieved BREATH, but Jennifer notices that Billy is rolling his forehead back and forth on the steering wheel. Her face goes cold.
JENNIFER
Where are they, Billy?
BILLY
In my jacket pocket. In the kitchen.
Billy looks out the windshield for a long moment. Then he opens the driver's door. The camera seems to follow, but Billy pushes at the lens.
BILLY (CONT'D)
Ray, you're not Ernie Pyle or whoever the fuck. Stay here!
Billy takes a few steps, and the camera is still right behind. Billy turns again.
BILLY (CONT'D)
Stay here!
Billy takes off at a run. The camera is following right behind.


Give me a yell at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

Just barely getting started on the PETER ROTTENTAIL rewrite for the Polonia Brothers. It always takes a bit to get those rusty gears turnin'.

I am also teaching a basic scriptwriting course, and graded rough drafts this weekend. I have warned my students about what kind of plots I don't want to read, and thankfully they took it to heed. Here are some plots I don't want to read anymore.

PROM NIGHT MASSACRE: Two kids have loved each other since kindegarten, and we see their whole life, up until one gets killed on prom night.

HOOSIERS REDUX: Beleagured antihero has mad skillz, but Coach benches him, girlfriend dumps him, parents hate him, everyone else in the general populace is against him, until he hits the last-second shot and wins the state championship against a hated rival school.

SHOCK THE TEACHER: Lots of drugs, sex, and bad language, because of course teachers are born 37 years old wearing ties and have never had long hair or owned Who t-shirts.

ROSE-COLORED GLASSES: Everything is wrong with this horrible co-dependent volatile destructive relationship until the wishful thinking of the writer saves it from disaster and they live happily ever after.


And here's some more of AMONG US, not much better:


CUT TO:
EXT. CAMPGROUND -- DAY
A nervous young woman, GEORGIA, shifts from one foot to the other as she looks into the camera.
GEORGIA
We were sitting by the fire, all of us. We had the boombox up pretty loud, so I can't say we heard like twigs snapping or anything. But I know I smelled something. Not a bad smell, but...I grew up on a farm. Around horses. Like a wet horse smell, maybe. Definitely sweat, something with muscles. Then we saw it at the edge of the fire. My boyfriend Brett is like six-five, and this thing was taller than that. Thing, I mean it could have been a man. It was totally in shadow. Then in like a split-second it was gone. Everybody was trippin, it was a while before anybody could go out there and see what was up.
(beat)
Then we found the remains.
BILLY (O.S.)
The remains?
GEORGIA
Some--ah--some poo. I didn't smell it, but--ah--it was big, up to my knee. I don't mean I stepped in it, but it was--ah--that tall, I mean. And it was like in a pyramid shape.
(beat)
A pyramid of poo.
CUT TO:
INT. WAYNE'S HOME -- DAY
Wayne settles back in his chair and addresses an unseen interviewer.
WAYNE
I am often asked...if there is such a thing as a bigfoot...or sasquatch, or yeti, or North American great ape...why are there no bones? Why are there not piles of dung by the side of the road? But those that ask that question are giving these creatures attributes that may not apply to them. They do not put on clothes and live in planned communities, but that does not mean they do not care for their hygiene or their dead. Nor does the fact that they do exhibit signs of what we call...civilization...prevent them from acting in bestial ways. Is it appropriate to speak of a missing link? Perhaps, if nothing else, it should be considered food for thought.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS -- DAY
Feature a shaky camcorder view, trying to track a far-off shape through the trees.
WAYNE (V.O.)
There are new sightings every day. And the technology gets better to capture them. Yet there is always the person that says...I see a zipper...or, that's just a man in a fur coat.
CUT TO:
INT. WAYNE'S HOME -- CONTINUOUS
Wayne rests, with his bigfoot prop on one knee.
WAYNE
But that then begs the question...does the presence of hoaxes deny the existence of a real phenomena?
(beat)
My answer is this. Man has always tried to explain the mysteries of life...everything from where does rain come from, to what the stars in space are made of, and so on...Either scientifically, or through faith, or via legend.
(beat)
So did the awareness of the bigfoot develop because of the hoaxes...or did the hoaxes manifest as a way for us to deal with the fact...that there is an unfamiliar species among us?

Give me a yell at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.

PS--And hey, will someone tell me if my guestbook isn't working?--JD