Weighing In

My wife's best friend from childhood has turned out to be a best-selling author, and with one thing leading to another she ended up staying with us for a few days. She gave me this as a Christmas present and thus earned my undying respect, but even more than that she rather kindly talks as if somehow we share similar career paths. That would be like Donald Trump walking outside Trump Tower and telling the guy with the "Will Work for Food" sign that they are both entrepreneurs. Allow me to examine this more closely.

Best-selling authors get paid six figure advances. B-movie scriptwriters figure they might get paid someday. Advantage: Best-selling authors.

Best-selling authors have book clubs that meet to discuss their works. B-movie scriptwriters have drunk dudes hosting "Bad Movie Nights. " Advantage: Best-selling authors.

Best-selling authors see their books in the front racks at bookstores. B-movie scriptwriters pray they don't see their DVDs in the dollar bin. Advantage: Best-selling authors.

Best-selling authors have friends in the same circles, who send them gifts like Prada bags and IPods and advance copies of books. B-movie scriptwriters have directors who every once in a while send them pictures of scream queens in bikinis. Advantage: B-movie scriptwriters.

Best-selling authors get on the Today Show, or Oprah. B-movie scriptwriters might get asked to be on a late-night cable-access show. Advantage: B-movie scriptwriters.

Best-selling authors appear in "People." B-movie scriptwriters appear in "Fangoria." Advantage: B-movie scriptwriters.

Perhaps all things are equal in the end, after all. If loyal readers can think of any other comparisons, feel free to post them. Until then, give me a shout at johnoakdalton@hotmail.com.